Just kidding. We don’t. We have the opposite of a problem. We have NEWS!!!
Y’all, if you’ve ever read my blog, you know I struggled for awhile with moving forward with grad school and just life in general. Doubt is crippling a lot of times, but once you move past it, you just keep on moving. I’m so excited to start grad school in a few weeks, and I’m so excited that I’ve moved out of the town I was living in! You never know what could be if you keep yourself in the same old situation all the time. But here I am, about to start working towards my master’s degree, and living in a big city with big opportunities!
Life is good, you guys.
The blogging, it has returned.
hey, tumblr. it’s been awhile.
i’m going through a new dilemma these days, which in order to cope with, of course, i’m going to write. once again i find myself in the internal battle of whether or not to apply to grad school.
here is the natural progression of me trying to move forward with my life—
step 1, discontent: man, my current career/education situation is sooo not what i want and it’s getting me nowhere good in life
step 2, planning: oh, i know! i’ll apply to grad school. i loved school, and all the jobs i want need a higher degree than i have. yay! excitement! future!
step 3, crippling self doubt: oh god but higher education sdjf;kadfjlasdkfj i’m such an idiot everyone is going to think i’m so stupid because everything i write is stupid and they’ll think i’m stupid for wanting to even apply and everyone will laugh at me and i. will. fail.
step 4, backing out: i have an excellent track record of being all talk, no action. hence, i am not currently enrolled in graduate school. i always back out last minute and don’t apply to the program.
so, what is wrong with me? i actually have a great amount of confidence in the work that i do in sociology, and believe that i could succeed, but whenever i move to actually taking action, it all goes out the window. all of my confidence disappears, and i’m left a sniffling self doubting fool who is getting nowhere with her life.
what reservations are actually keeping me from moving forward with my application? why can i never seem to get anything done? i say i’m unhappy with my position in life and want to make it better by getting a higher degree, but i never take the actions necessary for this to happen. i am the ultimate pansy.
so here are some things that are circling my mind:
the ideal program i want to apply to is a phd program for sociology. i’m so in love with he subject, and my dream job consists of research in the field. i know that i do good work in sociology, however, is it up to par with what other grad students do? i believe it could be, but i’m so scared that i’ll fail. i know that i won’t know until i try, and that it’s better to try and fail than to always wonder if i could have been a success, but it doesn’t help get me motivated like i would like.
i don’t want to teach. i know the natural progression is to teach at the university level, but i do not want to do that. is it even a feasible goal to want this degree in order to solely do research, without teaching? i know a lot of professors are able to do research on the side, but i want that to be my primary job. i’ve been working at the high school level of education for the last 2 years since i graduated with my bachelors degree, and i know for certain that teaching is not one of my interests.
another problem i’m facing is that i am not a very comfortable public speaker. with adequate preparation, i’m totally comfortable because i’m prepared, but i still get nervous. i know that presentations and public speaking are a large part of the degree and the field, because of the masters defense, dissertation shenanigans, research proposals, etc. and i believe i could be fine, but there is a small little voice in my head that keeps reminding me how much of a failure i could end up being.
the last reservation i hold about getting this degree is simply the time that it takes to acquire it. it would be at least 5 years. 5 years of my life! i’m 23 right now, almost 24, and i don’t believe that i’ve lived enough to really appreciate all that could happen in a span of 5 years. i would be 29 when i finished my doctorate, if i finished on time. at this point in my life i can’t even imagine being 29. what am i missing out on if i put myself back in school until i’m almost 30? these are years that i could spend getting married, starting a family, traveling the world, writing a book, working and having an income. do i want to withhold a paying job from myself for that long? i know a lot of graduate students have families, but would i want to deprive my family of that income during that time?
i’m 23 and i’m selfish. these years of my life are the perfect time to act selfishly, and i don’t regret it. never again in my life will there be such a time to think solely of myself. one day, i’ll be married. i’ll have children. i’ll have who knows how many other lives to think about before i consider my own. but for now, it’s just me. but the decisions i make now impact the decisions i’ll be able to make later. later, when i have others in my life to care for. what if i have a baby by the time i’m 29? what if my mom needs me to help support her? if i’m in school, how am i to help provide for those in my life? i want to go, but i worry how it will affect my future. i want to act selfishly but i know that this program could affect the way that my personal life turns out.
life is tough, and confusing, and full of self doubt at every turn. i don’t know what i’ll decide. i don’t know what you will decide, about whatever it is you’re deciding about. i can’t foresee how my decisions will affect my future, or your future, or any kind of future at all. i don’t know where i’ll be in 5 years or what i’ll want. i feel like i haven’t quite matured enough to make such a big decision for myself and for others in my life. life is confusing, and full of tough decisions that seem easy at first. i want to be able to do things on a whim, in the true early-20s way, but i’m notorious for worrying and over thinking. they’re qualities that can be positive, surely, but in this case i’m not sure whether my worrying is helping me out. my mind gets muddled in all of the possible outcomes that i see for myself.
i want grad school, but i ultimately don’t know if i wll succeed. i know that i want to succeed in this field, more than most things that i want in this life. sociology is a subject that i hold close to my heart, and i would love nothing more than to devote this life to studying and contributing to the field. honestly. but is a research based career a feasible goal? i don’t want to take 5+ years of my life trying to attain a goal that might not pan out in the long run. it’s such a long time to devote to something that is not a sure thing.
we’re all still learning how to be adults.
and we’re all still learning how to simply be functioning people.
life is difficult, but it’s beautiful.
as usual, input is always welcome :)
in the battle with the spider that launched itself at my face, i was the victor. celebrate the little things, y’all.
If you’re loved by someone
you’re never rejected
Decide what to be
and go be it
There was a dream
and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage
I broke in and demanded
that somebody free it
And there was a kid
with a head full of doubt
so I’ll scream till I die and
the last of those bad thoughts
are finally out
Dad: Why do you think they do that?
Girl: Because the companies who make these try to trick the girls into buying the pink stuff instead of stuff boys want to buy. [x]
that awkward moment when a child understands the harm of forcing gender roles better than most grown male politicians.
I’m surprised that I haven’t reblogged this, to be honest.
I love that last gif. She looks so frustrated. Like “Um, hello, obviously girls and boys can like anything why doesn’t anybody get that???”